I Don't Know What Happened Last Night

I have vague memories of my daughter and husband trying to convince me to go to the hospital right then. My daughter was crying and saying she couldn't live with me anymore. My husband....well, I don't know what he thinks anymore. He doesn't say. He is my caretaker, not my partner. Very sad.

And I don't know what what happened. I woke up at midnight asleep on the couch, wrapped in a blanket. Did I fall asleep while they were talking to me? Did they leave the room in disgust first, and then I laid down? I honestly don't know. I don't remember.

We were supposed to go shopping to IKEA for furniture. I don't know why we didn't go, and they tried to take me to the hospital instead. I have vague memories of them espressing concern that I wanted to lash out in anger and stab people, and that because I couldn't stab the person I was angry at, I wanted to direct it at myself instead. And something about burning down the house because I cannot get organized, and there is STUFF everywhere. So I wanted it to all go away.

I wish I was not so smart. Then I wouldn't think so much. I am tired of thinking. I am tired of living. I am tired of everything. It is just too hard to be alive. It takes too much effort.