I just don't understand other people

I was rather brutally attacked verbally in another blog I write, one written from the point of view of my Second Life® avatar. It was totally uncalled for, and deliberately inflammatory, even when I responded trying to be conciliatory.

I don't understand. My mother raised me to believe that if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all. And if you do want to disagree with me, there is a polite way to do so. Personal slurs are not appropriate or acceptable.

Here is where my husband and I differ. He said that he would have just shrugged it, and them, off as losers, and it would not have hurt his feelings at all. He woudn't have given it a second thought. I have to believe that this is how "normal" people would respond (my husband being a mostly "normal" person, if there is such a thing).

But me? I got very upset, continued to dwell on it all evening, and took the exacto knife to one arm to carve the word "Now" (which greatly upset my husband). Extreme? Maybe. Why do the mean words of people I do not know hurt me? They should not be able to hurt me, because I don't know them, and therefore should not value their opinion.

And this is the crux of the matter for me. This need to understand WHY other people do what they do. And why does it have the power to hurt so much? I feel like if only I could understand this, everything else would fall into place.

Princess Ivory

If it's good enough for Mother Teresa, it's good enough for me

I am not a religious person, but things like this keep finding me and speaking to me lately. There is some unmet need that needs to be filled in me, I think.

I am going to read this every morning when I awake.
I can think of far worse ways to start my day.

May it bring you the peace that it has brought to me.

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.
Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.

It was never between you and them anyway."

~Attributed to Mother Teresa

Adapted from The Paradoxical Commandments
by Dr. Kent M. Keith (c1968, 2001)

12 steps to Bipolar Disorder

While cleaning up my online writing desk, I came across this amongst my papers.
It was written July 7, 2007.

It was meant to be somewhat humorous, in a bitter tongue-in-cheek fashion. My own personal 12-step program. But after writing it, I saw that it revealed much about me, and my state of mind at the time. And the friends I was with did not think it was funny, which hurt my feelings. Now, I see that they probably did not find it funny because it said so much about me, and they were concerned. Here is is for your evaluation. Try to take it with a grain of salt.

1. I admit I am flawless.
2. I believe that releasing my sanity is the key to releasing self-reproach.
3. I have decided to listen to the voices in my head.
4. I have decided to make a thorough inventory of my closet.
5. I have decided to admit fully to my neighbor the exact level of hatred I hold toward his dog.
6. I am entirely ready to have my defects of character celebrated.
7. I ask the voices in my head for guidance to help me identify my bizarre impulses.
8. I will make a list of all persons I have harmed, and I will seek for more names to add to the list.
9. I will make direct approaches to such people wherever possible, especially when to do so will injure or frighten them.
10. I will continue to take personal inventory of my closet, and I will promptly shop for new shoes as often as necessary.
11. I will seek through floating in the bathtub to improve my ability to hear my inner voices, seeking for weird impulses, and for the strength to act them out.
12. Seeing the light because of the open living room window, I will try to carry these messages to others, and to practice these principles in all my affairs, so that all may suffer as much as I have, and will give me a very wide berth when encountering me in public.

I Don't Know What Happened Last Night

I have vague memories of my daughter and husband trying to convince me to go to the hospital right then. My daughter was crying and saying she couldn't live with me anymore. My husband....well, I don't know what he thinks anymore. He doesn't say. He is my caretaker, not my partner. Very sad.

And I don't know what what happened. I woke up at midnight asleep on the couch, wrapped in a blanket. Did I fall asleep while they were talking to me? Did they leave the room in disgust first, and then I laid down? I honestly don't know. I don't remember.

We were supposed to go shopping to IKEA for furniture. I don't know why we didn't go, and they tried to take me to the hospital instead. I have vague memories of them espressing concern that I wanted to lash out in anger and stab people, and that because I couldn't stab the person I was angry at, I wanted to direct it at myself instead. And something about burning down the house because I cannot get organized, and there is STUFF everywhere. So I wanted it to all go away.

I wish I was not so smart. Then I wouldn't think so much. I am tired of thinking. I am tired of living. I am tired of everything. It is just too hard to be alive. It takes too much effort.

How? Sleep-eating sucks

How can I have GAINED weight? I am working out. I had lost a few pounds. Now I am higher than when I started. And don't say " oh, you've gained muscle and that weighs more than fat." I haven't been working out long enough to have gained muscle.

I have this horrible eat in my sleep disorder from the Seroquel. I woke up this morning clutching a cheese stick in my hand. And there was a half-eaten bagel on the floor.

I can't live with this. I used to be UNDERWEIGHT. How can I look like that again? Or at least somewhat close to it?

Disappointed

My husband and I had a joint therapy session with his therapist yesterday. We have admitted that my illness is taking its toll on our marriage, and we need to learn better ways of communicating and connecting.

I was looking forward to the session. But it ended up being all about me. My background. The things that I am afraid of. My younger self (because I claimed she was gone forever). It brought up a lot of ugly memories of my father (cold and emotionally abusive, expecting perfection from me at all costs), and my first husband (emotionally and physically abusive). We even talked about how I am afraid to go outside because our neighbor has yelled at me before and made me cry, and now I am afraid to be in my own yard.

Fear. It governs my life.

I feel like I hijacked my husband's session. He hadly got to talk at all. And we certainly didn't talk about our marriage.

But I guess we had to go through this, so the therapist knows my background. But now we must wait two weeks to see him again. What are we supposed to do in the meantime? Just muddle along, I guess.

I am still feeling very violent. I am trying not to cut myself. But right now, I am mostly quietly depressed and sad.

Today's Mood 4/19/2008

Anger and rage. The urge to bludgeon and stab in a blind rage until there is nothing at my feet but a bloody pulp of flesh. Call it a PTSD flashback reaction. I feel like a victim again. I feel like I have no voice. I am afraid of anyone who yells at me, or abuses me, even if it is in the online metaverse. I cannot get past it. And it makes me lash out all around me at the innocent. And in order to protect the innocent, I will turn it inward on myself, and slash myself until I bleed. It is the only way to stop myself from hurting someone else.