Disappointed

My husband and I had a joint therapy session with his therapist yesterday. We have admitted that my illness is taking its toll on our marriage, and we need to learn better ways of communicating and connecting.

I was looking forward to the session. But it ended up being all about me. My background. The things that I am afraid of. My younger self (because I claimed she was gone forever). It brought up a lot of ugly memories of my father (cold and emotionally abusive, expecting perfection from me at all costs), and my first husband (emotionally and physically abusive). We even talked about how I am afraid to go outside because our neighbor has yelled at me before and made me cry, and now I am afraid to be in my own yard.

Fear. It governs my life.

I feel like I hijacked my husband's session. He hadly got to talk at all. And we certainly didn't talk about our marriage.

But I guess we had to go through this, so the therapist knows my background. But now we must wait two weeks to see him again. What are we supposed to do in the meantime? Just muddle along, I guess.

I am still feeling very violent. I am trying not to cut myself. But right now, I am mostly quietly depressed and sad.