I reviewed the collection of books that my family has gathered over the last few years to help us deal with the many disorders our various family members deal worth. I saved it as a ListMania list on Amazon.com.
Here is the list:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/pdp/profile/A3H5Z2G9BB5HFP
It is saved under the profile for Pink Flamingo on Amazon.com.
Hope you find some of them helpful. Topics include ADD, Bipolar, BPD, Depression, REBT, and Zen Buddhism, among others. If you like any of them, Amazon let's you save them to your wish list or your shopping cart.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Hospital
Just spent 3 weeks in a partial hospitalization program. Felt so much better while I was there. Came out excited and ready to move forward with my life, and some plans.
Crashed immediately. Can't concentrate. Can't focus. Can't do ANYTHING other than sit at the computer in my pajamas clicking around blogs etc. I feel AWFUL about it. I'm not even enjoying myself or doing anything production. And I have all these plans just hanging over my head. All I can do is go back to bed when I am finally too overwhelmed.
Sigh.
PinkFlamingo
Crashed immediately. Can't concentrate. Can't focus. Can't do ANYTHING other than sit at the computer in my pajamas clicking around blogs etc. I feel AWFUL about it. I'm not even enjoying myself or doing anything production. And I have all these plans just hanging over my head. All I can do is go back to bed when I am finally too overwhelmed.
Sigh.
PinkFlamingo
Monday, May 5, 2008
and, now.... Borderline Personality Disorder too
As if Bipolar Disorder with extreme unbreakable depression isn't enough, after some pressure, I got my psychiatrist to admit I have Borderline Personality Disorder as well. Duh. Does she think I'm stupid? I'd already figured it out. I just wanted to hear her say it.
And then she starts telling me about this great clinical trial she wants me to consider. And it's at one of the best university medical hospitals in the country. And I'm lucky enough to live within about 45 minutes of it.
Oh wait. Forget it. You have HAP HMO? They don't accept the HMO plan. Only the PPO plan. Problem is, HAP HMO is the only remaining health insurance left as a benefit at my husband's employer. They have cut and cut, until that crappy plan is the only thing left. And it has a huge bias AGAINST mental health care. I get a lousy 20 visits for an ENTIRE year. That is for my therapist and my pyschiatrist combined. I don't know what they expect me to do the other weeks of the year. I'll just show them up for the nickle and diming bastards they are. I'll go inpatient every chance I get. They can be hypocritically penny wise and pound foolish. JUST LET ME SEE MY THERAPIST WHEN I NEED TO. THEN I WON'T HAVE TO CUT UP MY ARMS TO GET INTO THE HOSPITAL, TO HAVE DAILY ACCESS TO MY PSYCHIATRIST. They are so stupid. It costs more money to them that way. And they don't care if I die.
And I've gained 40 lbs in one year on Lithium. I got a little mini-lecture about that. Hey doc, I'm one step ahead of you once again. I joined a gym a month ago. And when I asked to go back on Topamax because it is also an appetite suppressant, turns out it would interact very badly with my other six meds, and I'd do renal damage. She said I have to work really hard at increasing my metobolism, since I can't take appetite suppressants. And then the best news of all - it will take 3-4 months before I even start to lose any weight! Oh that's just peachy. What else can you hit me with today?
I'm signing off for now. Hopefully I'll be in a better mood when next you hear from me.
And then she starts telling me about this great clinical trial she wants me to consider. And it's at one of the best university medical hospitals in the country. And I'm lucky enough to live within about 45 minutes of it.
Oh wait. Forget it. You have HAP HMO? They don't accept the HMO plan. Only the PPO plan. Problem is, HAP HMO is the only remaining health insurance left as a benefit at my husband's employer. They have cut and cut, until that crappy plan is the only thing left. And it has a huge bias AGAINST mental health care. I get a lousy 20 visits for an ENTIRE year. That is for my therapist and my pyschiatrist combined. I don't know what they expect me to do the other weeks of the year. I'll just show them up for the nickle and diming bastards they are. I'll go inpatient every chance I get. They can be hypocritically penny wise and pound foolish. JUST LET ME SEE MY THERAPIST WHEN I NEED TO. THEN I WON'T HAVE TO CUT UP MY ARMS TO GET INTO THE HOSPITAL, TO HAVE DAILY ACCESS TO MY PSYCHIATRIST. They are so stupid. It costs more money to them that way. And they don't care if I die.
And I've gained 40 lbs in one year on Lithium. I got a little mini-lecture about that. Hey doc, I'm one step ahead of you once again. I joined a gym a month ago. And when I asked to go back on Topamax because it is also an appetite suppressant, turns out it would interact very badly with my other six meds, and I'd do renal damage. She said I have to work really hard at increasing my metobolism, since I can't take appetite suppressants. And then the best news of all - it will take 3-4 months before I even start to lose any weight! Oh that's just peachy. What else can you hit me with today?
I'm signing off for now. Hopefully I'll be in a better mood when next you hear from me.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I just don't understand other people
I was rather brutally attacked verbally in another blog I write, one written from the point of view of my Second Life® avatar. It was totally uncalled for, and deliberately inflammatory, even when I responded trying to be conciliatory.
I don't understand. My mother raised me to believe that if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all. And if you do want to disagree with me, there is a polite way to do so. Personal slurs are not appropriate or acceptable.
Here is where my husband and I differ. He said that he would have just shrugged it, and them, off as losers, and it would not have hurt his feelings at all. He woudn't have given it a second thought. I have to believe that this is how "normal" people would respond (my husband being a mostly "normal" person, if there is such a thing).
But me? I got very upset, continued to dwell on it all evening, and took the exacto knife to one arm to carve the word "Now" (which greatly upset my husband). Extreme? Maybe. Why do the mean words of people I do not know hurt me? They should not be able to hurt me, because I don't know them, and therefore should not value their opinion.
And this is the crux of the matter for me. This need to understand WHY other people do what they do. And why does it have the power to hurt so much? I feel like if only I could understand this, everything else would fall into place.
Princess Ivory
I don't understand. My mother raised me to believe that if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all. And if you do want to disagree with me, there is a polite way to do so. Personal slurs are not appropriate or acceptable.
Here is where my husband and I differ. He said that he would have just shrugged it, and them, off as losers, and it would not have hurt his feelings at all. He woudn't have given it a second thought. I have to believe that this is how "normal" people would respond (my husband being a mostly "normal" person, if there is such a thing).
But me? I got very upset, continued to dwell on it all evening, and took the exacto knife to one arm to carve the word "Now" (which greatly upset my husband). Extreme? Maybe. Why do the mean words of people I do not know hurt me? They should not be able to hurt me, because I don't know them, and therefore should not value their opinion.
And this is the crux of the matter for me. This need to understand WHY other people do what they do. And why does it have the power to hurt so much? I feel like if only I could understand this, everything else would fall into place.
Princess Ivory
Sunday, April 27, 2008
If it's good enough for Mother Teresa, it's good enough for me
I am not a religious person, but things like this keep finding me and speaking to me lately. There is some unmet need that needs to be filled in me, I think.
I am going to read this every morning when I awake.
I can think of far worse ways to start my day.
May it bring you the peace that it has brought to me.
"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway."
~Attributed to Mother Teresa
Adapted from The Paradoxical Commandments
by Dr. Kent M. Keith (c1968, 2001)
Saturday, April 26, 2008
12 steps to Bipolar Disorder
While cleaning up my online writing desk, I came across this amongst my papers.
It was written July 7, 2007.
It was meant to be somewhat humorous, in a bitter tongue-in-cheek fashion. My own personal 12-step program. But after writing it, I saw that it revealed much about me, and my state of mind at the time. And the friends I was with did not think it was funny, which hurt my feelings. Now, I see that they probably did not find it funny because it said so much about me, and they were concerned. Here is is for your evaluation. Try to take it with a grain of salt.
1. I admit I am flawless.
2. I believe that releasing my sanity is the key to releasing self-reproach.
3. I have decided to listen to the voices in my head.
4. I have decided to make a thorough inventory of my closet.
5. I have decided to admit fully to my neighbor the exact level of hatred I hold toward his dog.
6. I am entirely ready to have my defects of character celebrated.
7. I ask the voices in my head for guidance to help me identify my bizarre impulses.
8. I will make a list of all persons I have harmed, and I will seek for more names to add to the list.
9. I will make direct approaches to such people wherever possible, especially when to do so will injure or frighten them.
10. I will continue to take personal inventory of my closet, and I will promptly shop for new shoes as often as necessary.
11. I will seek through floating in the bathtub to improve my ability to hear my inner voices, seeking for weird impulses, and for the strength to act them out.
12. Seeing the light because of the open living room window, I will try to carry these messages to others, and to practice these principles in all my affairs, so that all may suffer as much as I have, and will give me a very wide berth when encountering me in public.
It was written July 7, 2007.
It was meant to be somewhat humorous, in a bitter tongue-in-cheek fashion. My own personal 12-step program. But after writing it, I saw that it revealed much about me, and my state of mind at the time. And the friends I was with did not think it was funny, which hurt my feelings. Now, I see that they probably did not find it funny because it said so much about me, and they were concerned. Here is is for your evaluation. Try to take it with a grain of salt.
1. I admit I am flawless.
2. I believe that releasing my sanity is the key to releasing self-reproach.
3. I have decided to listen to the voices in my head.
4. I have decided to make a thorough inventory of my closet.
5. I have decided to admit fully to my neighbor the exact level of hatred I hold toward his dog.
6. I am entirely ready to have my defects of character celebrated.
7. I ask the voices in my head for guidance to help me identify my bizarre impulses.
8. I will make a list of all persons I have harmed, and I will seek for more names to add to the list.
9. I will make direct approaches to such people wherever possible, especially when to do so will injure or frighten them.
10. I will continue to take personal inventory of my closet, and I will promptly shop for new shoes as often as necessary.
11. I will seek through floating in the bathtub to improve my ability to hear my inner voices, seeking for weird impulses, and for the strength to act them out.
12. Seeing the light because of the open living room window, I will try to carry these messages to others, and to practice these principles in all my affairs, so that all may suffer as much as I have, and will give me a very wide berth when encountering me in public.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
I Don't Know What Happened Last Night
I have vague memories of my daughter and husband trying to convince me to go to the hospital right then. My daughter was crying and saying she couldn't live with me anymore. My husband....well, I don't know what he thinks anymore. He doesn't say. He is my caretaker, not my partner. Very sad.
And I don't know what what happened. I woke up at midnight asleep on the couch, wrapped in a blanket. Did I fall asleep while they were talking to me? Did they leave the room in disgust first, and then I laid down? I honestly don't know. I don't remember.
We were supposed to go shopping to IKEA for furniture. I don't know why we didn't go, and they tried to take me to the hospital instead. I have vague memories of them espressing concern that I wanted to lash out in anger and stab people, and that because I couldn't stab the person I was angry at, I wanted to direct it at myself instead. And something about burning down the house because I cannot get organized, and there is STUFF everywhere. So I wanted it to all go away.
I wish I was not so smart. Then I wouldn't think so much. I am tired of thinking. I am tired of living. I am tired of everything. It is just too hard to be alive. It takes too much effort.
And I don't know what what happened. I woke up at midnight asleep on the couch, wrapped in a blanket. Did I fall asleep while they were talking to me? Did they leave the room in disgust first, and then I laid down? I honestly don't know. I don't remember.
We were supposed to go shopping to IKEA for furniture. I don't know why we didn't go, and they tried to take me to the hospital instead. I have vague memories of them espressing concern that I wanted to lash out in anger and stab people, and that because I couldn't stab the person I was angry at, I wanted to direct it at myself instead. And something about burning down the house because I cannot get organized, and there is STUFF everywhere. So I wanted it to all go away.
I wish I was not so smart. Then I wouldn't think so much. I am tired of thinking. I am tired of living. I am tired of everything. It is just too hard to be alive. It takes too much effort.
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