How can I have GAINED weight? I am working out. I had lost a few pounds. Now I am higher than when I started. And don't say " oh, you've gained muscle and that weighs more than fat." I haven't been working out long enough to have gained muscle.
I have this horrible eat in my sleep disorder from the Seroquel. I woke up this morning clutching a cheese stick in my hand. And there was a half-eaten bagel on the floor.
I can't live with this. I used to be UNDERWEIGHT. How can I look like that again? Or at least somewhat close to it?
Monday, April 21, 2008
Disappointed
My husband and I had a joint therapy session with his therapist yesterday. We have admitted that my illness is taking its toll on our marriage, and we need to learn better ways of communicating and connecting.
I was looking forward to the session. But it ended up being all about me. My background. The things that I am afraid of. My younger self (because I claimed she was gone forever). It brought up a lot of ugly memories of my father (cold and emotionally abusive, expecting perfection from me at all costs), and my first husband (emotionally and physically abusive). We even talked about how I am afraid to go outside because our neighbor has yelled at me before and made me cry, and now I am afraid to be in my own yard.
Fear. It governs my life.
I feel like I hijacked my husband's session. He hadly got to talk at all. And we certainly didn't talk about our marriage.
But I guess we had to go through this, so the therapist knows my background. But now we must wait two weeks to see him again. What are we supposed to do in the meantime? Just muddle along, I guess.
I am still feeling very violent. I am trying not to cut myself. But right now, I am mostly quietly depressed and sad.
I was looking forward to the session. But it ended up being all about me. My background. The things that I am afraid of. My younger self (because I claimed she was gone forever). It brought up a lot of ugly memories of my father (cold and emotionally abusive, expecting perfection from me at all costs), and my first husband (emotionally and physically abusive). We even talked about how I am afraid to go outside because our neighbor has yelled at me before and made me cry, and now I am afraid to be in my own yard.
Fear. It governs my life.
I feel like I hijacked my husband's session. He hadly got to talk at all. And we certainly didn't talk about our marriage.
But I guess we had to go through this, so the therapist knows my background. But now we must wait two weeks to see him again. What are we supposed to do in the meantime? Just muddle along, I guess.
I am still feeling very violent. I am trying not to cut myself. But right now, I am mostly quietly depressed and sad.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Today's Mood 4/19/2008
Anger and rage. The urge to bludgeon and stab in a blind rage until there is nothing at my feet but a bloody pulp of flesh. Call it a PTSD flashback reaction. I feel like a victim again. I feel like I have no voice. I am afraid of anyone who yells at me, or abuses me, even if it is in the online metaverse. I cannot get past it. And it makes me lash out all around me at the innocent. And in order to protect the innocent, I will turn it inward on myself, and slash myself until I bleed. It is the only way to stop myself from hurting someone else.
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